At first I gave my life to God during a time of deep grief. I needed a reason to believe there was something bigger and stronger than the pain I was feeling. As time went on I continued in my "faith." When times were good I praised Him. In times of pain I questioned him, yet I never truly felt the same as the night I first surrendered to Him. It seemed through the ups and downs I began to slowly drift away.
It wasn't util I stepped out of my comfort zone and saw how others all around the world were worshipping the same God that I began to question my faith. My seemingly solid faith. It seemed their priorities were every different than mine. When I struggled to go to church once a week, they managed to go every night. When we were called to open our bibles, I flipped to the table of contents while others were already finished reciting the verse. Their commitment was far greater than mine. Their willingness to surrender came with willing hearts. How truly committed was I? How could I believe in God, believe He sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for our sings and yet STILL feel distant from Him? And then I realized the disconnect. There is a difference between believing in God in a salvation sense, and truly knowing him in the intimate, close, relational way in which He desires.
All these years I spent struggling to truly grasp the understanding of the same God I met when I was 14. A young girl grieving over the loss of her friend who committed suicide. It led me to my knees; angry, lost and broken. Where was God when she was struggling and needed saving? And where was God now? When people were invited to the alter I stayed in my seat. How could all of these people go and bow to Him, when He is letting others continue in their pain? I flipped upon my bible, landing on Psalms 77 and read:
Psalm 77
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
10
Someone had written exactly how I felt. Someone else knew the exact pain of feeling abandoned and lost, questing the love of God. Yet as I continued in the same verse I was reminded of the power of God from the miracles he performed to the power He held in leading his people. Minutes later I gave my life to God and continued to pray for hours. Pouring out every joy, every pain, and every thought in between. The room has faded, peoples voices were no longer heard, and it was simple God and I.
Fast forward to senior year of college my life was in a much different place. When I felt called to the mission field I didn't blink an eye. I loved to travel and found great joy in helping others. I knew my identity should be found in Jesus, yet I refused to think it was anything but. It wasn't until school finished, and I had my last day of work that it hit me. My identity was far from Jesus. I weighted my sense of worth by the degree of success, opinion of others and willingness to push forward. Who was I without the titles and success written on paper?
My identity should be in Jesus. As a disciple of Jesus I should be reflecting Him. I knew what I "should" do, but how to get there was what was difficult of me. I've never been a sit back, slowly process and move on kind of girl. I knew and accepted God sent His one and only son to die on the cross for our sins. Having never gone to Sunday school growing up I lacked in the basic bible stories. I knew somewhere along the lines Jesus turned water into wine, healed the sick, and saved three men in a burning furnace.
I had built my faith on a weak foundation. Instead of continuing to grow in my faith I became so distracted by the works that I had yet to fully embrace what it meant to know Christ.
What better way to know God than to open the bible. I figured if I read a few chapters I would have a basic understanding and I could feel more secure in my faith. Instead the complete opposite happened. The more I read, the more I began to realize how little I did know. Instead of answering the questions I had, I began to have more. A hunger grew inside of me that I couldn't ignore.
I had been too busy frustratingly trying to figure our where God was, and why he felt so far that I lost sight of His true desire. The beating prayer of my life was from Psalms 25, "Show me your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths."
I begin by reading the book of John which very simple summed up a bulk of the gospel. God created us in His image from the very beginning (bible verse), but due to the fall of man; when our desires overcame us we became separated from God. In order to bridge this separation, God sent Jesus to die for our sins. Those who believe in God will have eternal life (John 3:16).
God's greatest desire is for us to be in relationship with Him. He longs for us to know Him. His craving for intimacy is seen page after page in the bible. We serve a God who is relational, who finds deep love in relationships which is shown through His son Jesus. The washing of His disciples feet, the laying on of hands healing the sick, to ultimately dying to save the world from the wrath of God.
The greater I understand this desire for closeness, the more I crave to truly know Him. I am learning that being a Christian doesn't stop at simply believing in Christ. It is a journey, and daily I will continue to learn and grow.
What I have learned above all is that brokenness leads to more brokenness unless their is a change. And that change isn't just Jesus. It's living a lifestyle CLINGING to Jesus.
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