Bittersweet Goodbyes

        

We ended Jamaica with a splash, enjoying a day of Cliff jumping and fun. I've told myself that I will not struggle in leaving, that I won't cry like others say they will. Yet, as we begin to pack our bags this little sinking feeling has begun to form deep in my stomach. The same feeling I felt when I left my home for the last time in May. The same feeling when we were driven from the Salvation Army in New York to the airport. And now- that same feeling as we begin to say our goodbyes. A feeling of sadness, mixed with a little anxiety but above all the desire to stay "just a little longer." I have learned that when you let down the barriers of "us" and "them"- relationships begin to form and pretty soon a place that felt so foreign now feels like home. 

I'm going to miss long talks on the back porch with my host brother Biggs. The long and dreaded hike of Rich man hill and the many times slipping in the rain. I'm going to miss the bumpy squished bus rides. I'm going to miss the smell of pineapple, ginger and bananas. I'll miss the stray dogs that tag along with us wherever we go. Above all I'm going to miss every friendship I've created, the time spent in worship and fellowship and the many times of learning that accompanied my stay. 

It was in Jamaica that I learned what it meant to rest, and find peace. To stress about something is an active choice that one makes. I've learned to be thankful in all things, beginning simply with thanking God for allowing me to wake up this morning. I learned to speak my mind, and say what is on my heart; no longer afraid of peoples reactions or thoughts. I have learned what it means to be comfortable in the uncomfortable. I have learned to laugh at the unexpected; and have found great solace in never knowing what is coming next. Coming from a life of structure, planning every hour to hour to not lose time I always had to know exactly what was "next." But I've found freedom in knowing that I don't always have to know exactly what is next, because thankfully God does- and if I believe in His promises i can be reassured I'm never alone. I've learned to view God in ways I'd never thought, from the booming of thunder to the smile of a friend. 

I am growing in my identity in Christ, learning daily that in order to grow in a deeper relationship with Him I must lay my burdens at the foot of the cross every single day. When you choose to look towards God above all, the nagging problems of the day become seemingly so small. When you choose to give your life over to God, you feel a weight lift off your shoulders - knowing you never have to live alone. I've realized that this mentality of "let me get myself together" before going to God will create a forever wall stopping me from ever feeling the presence of God. If I wait to get myself together, and polish myself off before ever stepping into a church- I'd never ever get there. 

Humans are messy. I'm messy. But God is a God who meets us where we are at, wherever that may be. I will never forgot the friends I have made in Jamaica. The seas may separate us, but I'll forever have my Jamaican family.