Fear is a funny mystery that reveals itself in ways that may not always seem 'normal'. While being home I have felt anxious, discontent and annoyed in many ways. I've spent day after day racking my brain trying to pin point what the heck is going on with me...
Maybe I'm having an early life crisis, that happens right?
Or
maybe I'm not really happy, college isn't for everyone..
As I watch my closest friends I spent my high school years with getting engaged, married some even expecting I can't help but feel that I'm trying to play catch up. I've aways felt frustrated that people try and compare themselves to others, wanting what they have and you lack. Yet here I was angry that I feel like my life is on some sort of stand still. Like God has all my friends on an escalator on rabbit speed and mine is broken down- not moving forward, not moving backwards.
I remember thinking here is my big break down & I took off down the road. With a car in the shop, no wheels and frustration boiling over I needed some fresh air. About a mile down the road I sat and decided I wasn't leaving until I figured out what my issue was and God sure helped me figure that out.
It wasn't a midlife crisis, or that college wasn't for me- it's that my expectations haven't been in line with where God wants me. Sounds wise right? More like God got a good chuckle and pointed out the obvious very bluntly.
"You're having a big girl hissy fit. You pride yourself at your accomplishments, and you praise the good- yet when the going gets a little bit tough you hunker down and quit. & why? Because you aren't getting what you want and you fear you never will."
OK God- I heard him loud and clear, yet it still didn't register. Later when taking a shower out of no where came a huge spider which I calmly disposed of. It was like I could hear God laughing in my ear and then it hit me. Here I am freaking out about not knowing what is next, where I'm suppose to be. The anxiety and fear eating at me- yet something that makes most people jump in their seats I can compose myself over? Where has my trust scattered off to?
So here is to pulling my big girl panties up!
Here is to lessons learned in silly ways.
Maybe I'm having an early life crisis, that happens right?
Or
maybe I'm not really happy, college isn't for everyone..
As I watch my closest friends I spent my high school years with getting engaged, married some even expecting I can't help but feel that I'm trying to play catch up. I've aways felt frustrated that people try and compare themselves to others, wanting what they have and you lack. Yet here I was angry that I feel like my life is on some sort of stand still. Like God has all my friends on an escalator on rabbit speed and mine is broken down- not moving forward, not moving backwards.
I remember thinking here is my big break down & I took off down the road. With a car in the shop, no wheels and frustration boiling over I needed some fresh air. About a mile down the road I sat and decided I wasn't leaving until I figured out what my issue was and God sure helped me figure that out.
It wasn't a midlife crisis, or that college wasn't for me- it's that my expectations haven't been in line with where God wants me. Sounds wise right? More like God got a good chuckle and pointed out the obvious very bluntly.
"You're having a big girl hissy fit. You pride yourself at your accomplishments, and you praise the good- yet when the going gets a little bit tough you hunker down and quit. & why? Because you aren't getting what you want and you fear you never will."
OK God- I heard him loud and clear, yet it still didn't register. Later when taking a shower out of no where came a huge spider which I calmly disposed of. It was like I could hear God laughing in my ear and then it hit me. Here I am freaking out about not knowing what is next, where I'm suppose to be. The anxiety and fear eating at me- yet something that makes most people jump in their seats I can compose myself over? Where has my trust scattered off to?
So here is to pulling my big girl panties up!
Here is to lessons learned in silly ways.
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